The original and still the best since 1997
By Anonymous It was a warm lazy Saturday in June. Two close friends were killing time doing odds and ends around their shared rental house. They lived in a medium sized town, with very little crime, and ample opportunity for boredom. Both of their boyfriends were out of town, the house was clean, and the laundry done. They were equally tired of the local clubs, and they were facing a rather boring night of video’s and popcorn. There’s got to be something unique to do, Kelly thought, as she perused the classifieds in the local rag. As she read on an ad popped out at her, it said: Wanted - attractive couple for a comedy skit, flat rate, apply at KUYT studio B. Kelly immediately brightened, she was extremely gregarious and goofy by nature; her friends often remarked how funny she was, so she thought “why not” after all they were both considered attractive. Sure they might not be a “couple” per-se, but she imagined the studio might actually like that kind of twist. Kelly soon had her self-convinced they should go for it, they didn’t have anything else to do, and it would help to pass the time, plus they might be able to earn a few extra bucks. Well convinced of the idea she walked into the next room and began working on her friend Pam. Pamela was a tall brunette, she stood around 5’10, a good three inches taller than Kelly, but in most people’s eyes probably a little less attractive, still she was quite pretty, with a swimmers build and cool green eyes and as Kelly looked at her friend she was convinced the two of them could win the audition. Pam was the more conservative of the two, for sure, but she had a keen wit and a fun loving personality, and if the opportunity arose, a deliciously nasty sense of humor. Without too much difficulty Kelly soon convinced Pam they should give it a try, at the very least it would get them out of the house. Kelly called the studio, and as luck would have it, was told a couple had just canceled their appointment and there was an audition available now if they could make it down to the studio within the hour. “No problem, we’ll be there,” Kelly told the studio receptionist. And with eager anticipation she ran upstairs to get ready. Kelly and Pam were laughing as they walked into the interview together. Kelly was far more out going and sure of her looks than Pam, and for good reason, she was a knockout blond, thin, tall and at age 30 a year older than Pam, but still had the figure of a 20 year old. Her skin was flawless and glowed with a youth that belied her age. Her eyes were a misty sky blue, the kind that could lure a man over a cliff. Her makeup was flawless and she wore her medium length hair up in a bun, with an expensive hand carved wood comb holding it in place, accentuating her beautiful features. She wore a cute little blue sundress that showed off her sexy tan legs, and her perky 34C breasts did nothing but complement the cut of the dress. She completed the look with a pair of $150.00 cream colored Nordstrom sandals. She looked sleek and expensive, and she knew it. She was ready to win the day. Pam, on the other hand, was far more casual; wearing stylish faded bib overalls with a purple blouse and white keds, her long brunette hair fell freely past her shoulders. They both looked great as they passed into the lobby and were met by the receptionist; he remembered the conversation he had with Kelly on the phone and immediately directed them to the studio where the screenings were taking place. As they entered the studio Pam replied, "I'm not so sure about this, I've never really acted before." Kelly, as always the confident one, simply replied, "Don't worry about it, how hard can it be." The studio was a medium sized room, well lit and buzzing with technicians, most of them male. Kelly beamed, as she knew she was in her realm. The room was a little on the warm side due to all the lights and looked as if it were setup for a cooking class. There was a model kitchen display setup in the corner complete with mixing bowls and counter tops; a large island with a fake oven and refrigerator completed the kitchen set. Directly across the room sat the director behind a small neat desk with two comfortable chairs facing him. Next to him sat the producer, who was anxiously reading over the latest info she had just received on last weeks ratings. Above the two of them was a cacophony of lighting and microphone cables strung hither and thither throughout the open ceiling trusses. Set at angles to the kitchen were two very expensive studio cameras mounted on key grips set to move easily from side to side. It looked as if they were getting ready for a shoot. Kelly and Pam took a moment to take it all in; every guy stared intently at Kelly, as they made their way over to the director. He motioned them to have a seat. "Good afternoon said the director, are you hear for the audition? "Yep" replied Kelly without hesitation and very confidant. "Well," he continued, let me first say that we we're looking for a couple, however, two women who can improvise and be funny will work just as well." "Can you gals be funny?" "No problem," said Kelly commandingly, "we're both very funny, or so our friends say." “I see," said the director, impressed with her confidence and style, but not necessarily her intelligence. “Have either of you ever done any physical comedy?" he continued. "You mean slapstick?" said Pam cautiously. “Exactly,” replied the director, impressed. "What's slapstick?” asked Kelly. "You know, pies in the face, that sort of thing," replied Pam. "Oh!” said Kelly, thinking for a moment, then continuing as flirtatiously as she could said, “I think I could do that, it sounds kind of fun," She looked up at the director making eye contact and noticeably affecting him. Kelly was a master of flirtation, having been stunning all of her adult life she knew how to angle her looks and she went right to work, weaving her magic. She realized that if she could win over the director they might have a real shot at being selected so she became one tracked, focusing on her objective. She; therefore, became oblivious to the conversation Pam and the director were having. Had she paid a little more attention she might not have gone through with it, but by the time she had figured it out, it was too late to go back. "I'm not so sure I can do slapstick comedy," said Pam defensively, "what's this about?" The director turned in his chair and focused his attention on Pam "We need a filler for a local comedy show we’re airing next week," he said, “basically a 5 min or so segment where one of you messes the other up, then we cut to the next segment, it’ll be relaxation for the brain, a little visual stimulation if you will, a moment where people won’t have to think about the punch line, they’ll just watch the sight gags and laugh." " I see," said Pam pensively. "Com’on Pam," said Kelly encouragingly, "it might be fun." she being too focused on getting the upper hand with the director to catch the: “one of you messes the other up” line. Kelly consciously crossed her long legs to show off more of her delicious thigh. "So what's the premise?" said Pam, continuing her line of questioning. "Something you might enjoy," said the director with a big smile. One of you will play the stooge and one of you will play the straight person, you can decide who, but from what I have gathered thus far I'm thinking you would play the straight role Pam." He saw Pam grin, and then continued, “The conditions are you are the host of a cooking show and you are tasked with showing how to bake a cake.” "Hmm," said Pam beginning to listen with more interest realizing Kelly wasn’t paying much attention and that she would probably get to stay clean. "I can help Pam bake a cake!" Kelly interrupted in her best stooge like impersonation, again catching only the “bake a cake” and “stooge” part of the conversation. "Wonderful," said the director, smiling. “I like the chemistry between you two, this might work out better than we expected, and you are certainly both attractive enough, we have everything ready for a shoot if you’d like to audition right now?" “You’re the last interviewee’s we’re scheduled for today.” Kelly grinned, believing she had succeeded in winning over the director. "Let’s go!" She said commandingly, with a big endearing smile. Pam let out a small laugh, realizing what Kelly was about to get. "Well, I suppose we might be able to do the audition,” she stalled, “do you have a script?" she asked the director. "Not really,” he answered, “in order to keep it simple and let you gals show off your own creativity we've just setup the basic premise." "Which is?" Replied Pam, watching to see if Kelly was listening, she wasn’t, she was busy flirting with one of the cameramen. The director began to describe the scene: “you are on a cooking show, one of you will play the boring master chef, who will remain clean, and the other will play the poor goofy assistant, who will get repeatedly pelted with pies and gunged with batter if you so choose.” He continued, “you, being the Master Chef, are trying to show the audience how to make a cake and eventually you take out your frustrations on the assistant, since she keeps goofing you up and spoiling everything. "I can play the goofy assistant?" Kelly said enthusiastically, again just catching the last part. "I was kind of hoping you would,” replied the director grinning. "I can be very goofy," said Kelly raising her eyebrows flirtatiously as the director blushed. Pam rolled her eyes, waited for Kelly to catch the eye of the key grip operator, and then continued questioning the director, "So how messy am I supposed to get her?" "Well, I suppose as messy as you want to get her,” he said beaming. “Oh I want to get her real messy,” said Pam devilishly. “Well I’m ready?” Kelly blurted out, having had her fun with the key grip guy and making a vain attempt to show that she was paying attention after all. “What do you say Pam?” Kelly continued, “You game?” “I suppose so,” said Pam smiling. “So let me get this straight,” said Pam, “you want to play the assistant, and I get to play the boring master chef, that right Kel?” “That’s right, I think I’m a little better suited for the assistant role don’t ya think?” Kelly said, not fully realizing what she had just gotten herself into, but rather, focusing on the fact that her character got to act goofy. “Oh most definitely,” said Pam, encouraging her. “You should play the assistant.” “Alrighty then,” interrupted the director. “Let’s get everyone to their places, lights on the island, filters on, bring in the props . . .” With that everyone in the studio began to busily prepare for the shoot. Kelly and Pam were ushered off to wardrobe and makeup as various food stuff were brought out and stored on the shelves beneath the island. Kelly was dressed up in a little white frock with black shorts and white high heels, on her head she wore a cute little bakers cap. Her honey blond hair was no longer in a bun but hung down almost to her shoulders while an assistant brushed it smooth and flat. On her cheeks she wore a little extra rouge to make her appear a bit younger than Pam, as if she needed any help. Underneath her outfit she was told to put on a very stylish metallic blue Salinas bikini. Kelly was coached to act goofy and to frequently interfere with Pam while she prepared the recipes. She was told at some point she would be asked to strip down to the bikini (ratings you know). Pam was dressed in a full chef’s outfit, complete with white pants, and a baker’s cap. She was given the opening dialog and instructed as to where all the various batters and pies were located. She was told she could get Kelly as messy as she wanted provided Kelly was going along with it. After she was coached and dressed Pam was sent to the makeup artist. When she entered the makeup room she noticed something a little strange setting on the counter. She didn’t want to say anything, but she couldn’t help but look at it. “I keep that here to massage my hands,” said the pretty little makeup artists who began preparing Pam’s face, “they get sore sometimes.” When the girls came out everything and everyone was in place. The director had brought in a few more stagehands to act as audience members. Pam thought she recognized one of them. Kelly was positioned to the left of Pam and still oblivious to the plot. She pranced around happy that everyone’s eyes appeared to be on her. “Ok!” “Ready on the set!” yelled the director, and with that the cameras came to life. Pam was queued and she began. “Welcome to cooking with Pam, today we learn how to bake a cake.” She smiled and pointed over to Kelly, “With me today is my assistant Kelly.” “Hi Kelly.” “Hi Pam!” Kelly screamed back in an over-modulated voice. Chuckles rose from the technicians. Pam rolled her eyes then said, “Lets begin.” She reached under the counter and pulled out a big clear plastic mixing bowl. Kelly furrowed her brow a bit wondering how she knew that was there, but soon stopped worrying and got back to being goofy. At every turn Kelly would accidentally on purpose mess something up. She spilled the milk all over the counter and on Pam’s pants. She turned the mixer on high and sprayed dry mix all over the kitchen set, including in her own and Pam’s hair. She broke an entire dozen eggs in the plastic bowl instead of just two as the recipe called for, and, as directed, continuously got in the way. Kelly was a natural at adlibbing and had the whole crew in stitches in a matter of minutes. She was so funny in fact that they had to stop shooting because one of the cameramen couldn’t stop laughing. Everything was going great, but the best was yet to come. A secret signal came from the director and Pam knew it was time to get Kelly really messy. Pam bent down under the cabinets and pulled out a nice white frosted cake. “This is what the end product should have looked like.” Said Pam to the fake audience. She then handed the cake over to Kelly. Kelly took it with both hands and looked at it admiringly, the frosting shimmering under the bright lights. “But unfortunately this is what we ended up with.” Said Pam, as she again bent under the island counter and pulled out a sloppy looking cake with a big hollow center filled with melted cream and vanilla pudding. “Do you know how we ended up here?” Asked Pam in a condescending tone? Um, I’m just here waiting for a bus, replied Kelly, spontaneously busting up nearly everyone on the set including Pam. Well I do, replied Pam, menacingly, as she took a taste of the creamy center and then placed the cake on the counter. “Oh shit,” replied Kelly, as she looked directly into the camera. “Damn this girl is good,” whispered the director to himself. Pam then took the back of Kelly’s hair with her right hand, and took off her bakers cap with her left; she then forced her friends face down into the goopy center of the cake. Kelly remained holding the good cake as Pam pushed her face deeper and deeper into the center of the messy one. When Pam saw Kelly’s head completely disappear under the vanilla cream she pulled her friend back up by her hair. As Kelly emerged from the messy cake large globs of vanilla cream streamed down her face and hair. She remained motionless for a few more seconds listening to the laughter that had broken out, and then she slowly looked up into the camera and batted her eyelashes. “I can’t see,” Kelly said laughing, “here can you hold this cake for a second,” she asked Pam, holding out the good cake to her friend. “Sure,” said Pam grinning “let me take that off your hands.” “Thanks,” said Kelly, as she wiped the soupy vanilla cream from her eyes. Kelly soon realized what she had just done, and she turned back to the camera and once again said, “! Oh shit . . .” Right on queue Pam pushed the cake she was holding in Kelly’s face with enough force to leave little bits of cake mixed in with the icing. “Nice.” Said Kelly nodding, as large chunks of white cake dropped off her face and onto the floor. Kelly took her hands and with one large wipe, cleared the majority of the mess away from her face, then she just stared at Pam in disbelief. “This is pretty incredible,” the director offered to the audio man, “we couldn’t have scripted this any better.” That Kelly’s a natural,” the audio man replied, “and hot as hell too.” Pam was now on a roll and proceeded to fill Kelly’s baker hat with the slimy, eggy substance that was in the plastic bowl. Kelly could do nothing but watch as Pam filled the hat and placed it back on her head, in effect pouring the slimy concoction all over her. The raw egg mixture slid down the back of Kelly’s hair and onto her shoulders, it covered her face and dripped down the front of her neck and into her cleavage. “Oh my, was that really necessary?” said Kelly, disgusted, flicking her hands down to her sides. Kelly then began to giggle uncontrollably, her pretty blond head shimmering with egg residue. Kelly had her eyes shut, but she could hear all the laugher in the room and it made her feel warm inside. Pam looked back over to the director wandering if she should continue, obviously enjoying herself. As if she needed any more encouragement, the director gave her a thumbs up. Pam dipped below the counter one more time and appeared with two cream pies, actually cool whip and pudding pies to be exact. She stood directly behind Kelly with a pie to either side of her face. Kelly had her eyes closed but could feel her presence. “Um, what am I supposed to do now I can’t see anything?” Kelly asked the director, the egg beginning to dry like a peel mask from the hot lights. “It’s getting warm in here,” prompted a wardrobe assistant, laughing. “Oh yeah,” replied Kelly, remembering her bikini. “Is it just me, or is it getting warm in here,” Kelly teased, as she began to take of her clothes to reveal the beautiful blue metallic swimsuit underneath. Her neck and chest glistened from the slimy contents of the hat. “Oh man.” Let out one of the camera men, “were gonna have to move this to a different time slot.” There was pervasive laughter, and again Kelly felt warm inside knowing it was directed at her and that everyone was admiring her body. She kept her eyes shut and lifted her head a bit as she stood tall in her high heels to give everyone a better view. That was all that Pam needed as she stepped in a little closer and said “Here sweetie pie, let me cool you off a bit.” With that she proceeded to give Kelly a pie sandwich, wrapping the two pies around her head, over her face and down her chest. Kelly gave a quick gasp as the pies, cool against her skin, were a stark contrast to the hot stage lights that she had been feeling. “Nice hit!” Yelled out one of the stagehands, enjoying very much what he was seeing. Kelly turned in his direction and slowly began wiping the creamy pudding from her face and neck, she continued by smoothing it out over her chest and arms and in turn gave the cameras a beautiful shot of her profile. The stagehand nearly tripped over a microphone wire as Kelly cleared her eyes, looked directly at him, and said “like that?” Kelly turned back to the cameras once more and continued to clean herself off, leaving a shimmering thin residue of cream on her skin, from the top of her head to her bellybutton. “Oh look I’m only half covered,” she taunted, “my legs are still clean.” Kelly looked down; admiring her legs, knowing everyone else was too. “That gives me an idea.” Said the director, “Pam, what do we have left under there?” Pam stooped below the island one more time and when she came up she replied “three buckets of what look like yellow cake batter, three more pudding and one chocolate pie.” “Excellent” replied the director, everyone who’s not currently active grab a bucket of batter or a pie, Pam save one chocolate pie, OK?” “OK.” Pam said, laughing as she watched the young stagehands eagerly grab pies and batter buckets. Kelly stood there watching with her mouth a little agape. “Uh-oh” was all she could mutter. |
